My child acts like they want nothing to do with me. Is this normal?

Research says that teens need parents even though they often look like they don’t want to have anything to do with them (Allen & Land, 1999; Liddle & Schwartz, 2002). The “push-pull” dynamic – wanting parents in their lives yet pushing them away - is a normal part of the adolescent developmental process:

Adolescents often appear to be engaged in an active, purposeful flight away from …relationships with parents and other parental …figures. Attachment bonds to parents are treated by many adolescents more like ties that restrain than like ties that anchor and secure, and a key task of adolescence is to develop autonomy so as to no longer need to rely (as much) on parents’ support…” (Allen and Land, 1999, p. 319).

It is a common reaction of parents to respond to the teenager’s flight away from the parent as a message that the parent-child relationship is not important to the child. Yet this couldn’t be further from the truth. While teens generally become less dependent on parents in adolescence, relationships with parents are still crucially important (Ammaniti & Sergi, 2003).

It is difficult to understand what is normal adolescent behavior - what should I expect from my teenager?

In adolescence, teens gain increased cognitive functioning and can engage in more complex “goal-corrected partnerships” with parents. In other words, teens begin to learn how to negotiate both their needs and the needs of the parent-teen relationship. An example of this is the “adolescent who wants to stay out past an agreed-upon curfew [who] considers not only the desire to stay out late, but also the overarching set goal of maintaining trust and warmth in relation to parents” (Allen & Land, p. 320). Healthy teens can learn to pay attention to the needs of others in these kinds of partnerships, whereas unhealthy teens struggle with having this awareness of both self and other. Healthy teens seek out parents when they are upset and continue to use parents as important figures often into adulthood. Unhealthy teens will often have difficulty seeking help from traditional authority figures.

My son or daughter is not doing any of these “healthy” behaviors you describe. What do I do to get my child on track?

A primary focus of the Open Sky program is to work with parents and teens to improve relationships. To this aim we utilize evidence-based, time-tested and research-supported therapies. Some of these interventions include regular letter-writing, the “Impact Letter,” weekly home therapy, the “Family Pathway” workbook, and family workshops with the program. Other interventions include the teenager practicing healthy communication skills with the adults in the program, be it field guides or therapists. Time away from the family can support the teenager in his or her developmental need of autonomy. While experiencing this autonomy he or she is engaging on a daily basis in therapies aimed at supporting and developing the parent-child relationship.

How will me and my son or daughter working on our relationship help with the other serious problems he/she is facing?

Research shows over and over that teens with problematic family relationships tend to have far more mental health problems, substance abuse issues, and even suicidal behaviors (Allen, Hauser & Borman-Spurrell, 1996; Buist, Dekovic, Meeus & van Aken, 2004; Howard & Medway, 2004; McGee, Williams, Poulton & Moffit, 2000; Nakash-Eisikovits, Dutra & Westen, 2002; Wallis & Steele, 2001; West, Spreng, Rose & Adam, 1999). Research also says that adolescents who perceive their parents to be warm and involved in their lives have lower levels of delinquency than adolescents who perceive their parents to be uncaring or uninvolved (Goldstein & Heaven, 1999; Palmer & Hollin, 2001; Nickerson & Nagle, 2004). The programming at Open Sky supports the development of healthy family relationships, which in turn supports the health of the whole person.

References:

Allen, J.P., Hauser, S.T., & Borman-Spurrell, E. (1996). Attachment theory as a framework for understanding sequelae of severe adolescent psychopathology: An 11-year follow-up study [Electronic version]. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 64 (2), 254-263.

Allen, J.P., & Land, D. (1999). Attachment in adolescence. In J. Cassidy & P.R. Shaver (Eds.), Handbook of attachment: Theory, research and clinical applications (pp. 319-335). New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

Ammaniti, M., & Sergi, G. (2003). Clinical dynamics during adolescence: Psychoanalytic and attachment perspectives. Psychoanalytic Inquiry, 23, 54-80.

Buist, K.L., Dekovic, M., Meeus, W., & van Aken, M.A.G. (2004). The reciprocal relationship between early adolescent attachment and internalizing and externalizing problem behavior. Journal of Adolescence, 27 (3), 251-266.

Goldstein, M., & Heaven, P.C.L. (2000). Perceptions of the family, delinquency, and emotional adjustment. Personality and Individual Differences, 29, 1169-1178.

Howard, M.S., & Medway, F.J. (2004). Adolescents’ attachment and coping with stress. Psychology in the Schools, 41 (3), 391-402.

Liddle, H.A., & Schwartz, S.J. (2002). Attachment and family therapy: Clinical utility of adolescent-family attachment research. Family Process, 41 (3), 455-476.

McGee, R., Williams, S., Poulton, R., & Moffit, T. (2000). A longitudinal study of cannabis use and mental health from adolescence to early adulthood. Addiction, 95 (4), 491-503.

Nakash-Eisikovits, O., Dutra, L., & Westen, D. (2002). Relationship between attachment patterns and personality pathology in adolescents. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 41 (9), 1111-1123.

Nickerson, A.B., & Nagle, R.J. (2004). The influence of parent and peer attachments on life satisfaction in middle childhood and early adolescence. Social Indicators Research, 66, 35-60.

Palmer, E.J., & Hollin, C.R. (2001). Sociomoral reasoning, perception of parenting and self-reported delinquency in adolescents. Applied Cognitive Psychology, 15, 85-100.

Wallis, P., & Steele, H. (2001). Attachment representations in adolescence: Further evidence from psychiatric residential settings. Attachment & Human Development, 3 (3), 259-268.

West, M.L., Spreng, S.W., Rose, S.M., & Adam, K.S. (1999). Relationship between attachment-felt security and history of suicidal behaviors in clinical adolescents [Electronic version]. Canadian Journal of Psychiatry, 44 (6), 578-582.